Why Would Anyone Really Want This Job?

 

I had a terrible nightmare last night that I was going to be inaugurated president of the United States today.  My wife was terrified when I woke up screaming, ‘No, No, No. I demand a recount! There’s no way I could have won!’

            My breathing gradually returned to normal and I calmed down with the ‘nice cup of tea’ that my wife insists is the cure for everything – probably even Covid-19. ‘There, there. Don’t worry. You’re nowhere near Washington. That nice Mr. Biden is set to take the oath of office.’

Now he will take the oath as President, not VP

            ‘What did he do to deserve this,’ I ask. ‘It’s the worst job in the world. There he was in comfortable retirement - minding his own business, making a few speeches, playing with the grandchildren. Probably asking himself exactly who the hell it was that suggested he run for president in the first place. Now look at the poor guy. He can’t even go out and get a decent hamburger without locking down half of Washington. God forbid he is ever seen happily licking the spoon after an ice cream Sundae with three scoops of vanilla ice cream, hot chocolate, whipped cream and bananas! The media from California to New York and beyond will be yelling about the bad example he is setting and how he should be happy with roasted lettuce leaves and quinoa. If I were him I would quickly make a deal with the White House chef to keep his mouth shut and leave the camera home. The chef could take Air Force 1 wherever he wants. Pretty soon Biden will probably want to  substitute Can’t Get No Satisfaction for Hail To The Chief.

Poor Biden. This is now likely to be forbidden fruit.

            Keep plenty of aspirin handy, Mr. President. The world and its mother keeps yelling at you about what you must do or should do. You absolutely must sign this piece of paper, that piece of paper or the world is going to go to hell. There’s very little in the job description about what you might actually want to do. Oh, and while you're not saving the world from multiple crises you must make time to meet groups like the peach farmers from Georgia – now a very important state with 16 key electoral votes. You can be sure that Mrs. Biden will guarantee that every White House breakfast, lunch and dinner is well stocked with peaches and peanuts. After all, Georgia is known as the Peach State and former President Jimmy Carter was peanut farmer there.

            Instead of tossing soft toys to the grandchildren now you have to deal with a snarling congress whose members threaten to derail everything your administration wants to accomplish unless you throw a few billion dollars into their favorite projects – like the hotly contested Miss Soybean contest. Sadly, it’s probably true that the right outcome for this contest has more vote potential than any public health, education or infrastructure program.

            In many ways the president has the ultimate Home Office. All he has to do is walk downstairs, and on top of that the internet probably works – once his grandchildren set it up. The downside is that everybody wants to crowd into that fairly small Oval Office and take up his time with this problem or that problem when all he really wants to do is put his feet up and catch a good film on Netflix.

At least the office is close to home

            And those are just the domestic aggravations. Most foreign leaders have your phone number on speed dial and seem to forget about time differences when they want to reach you. Or there can be a development in some far-off land that an official at the State Department thinks demands your immediate attention at 3 am. You can just see a weary Biden wiping the sleep from his eyes and telling the hyper-ventilating official, ‘Tell me again where this place is and just how to pronounce the prime minister’s name. What do you want me to do – send the 101^st Airborne or invite him to the White House?’

            If you have ever moved house you know it’s a real pain cleaning up after the former owners have left. There’s always a huge amount of accumulated junk left over that you have to throw away or take to the local charity shop. The White House staff have worked hard these last few days but there is bound to be something left behind. Just what, for example, is Biden going to do with a hair-dying machine set permanently to orange? And what is he going to do with a warehouse full of MAGA hats and pins?

            All things considered it seems like a terrible job with nothing but serious problems that you are supposed to solve. And you don’t even make that much money. Any half-way decent bond trader at Goldman Sachs makes multiples of what you take home every month. The perks are admittedly pretty good, but when do you have time to enjoy them? But someone has got to do it, and we should be grateful that at least this president will spend more time on the job than on Twitter.

President Hillary Clinton's Inaugural Speech

The tones of Hail to Chief waft over the crowd as President-elect Hillary Clinton takes the podium at her inauguration in 2017.

First of all my fellow Americans, I would like to thank Senator Ted Cruz of the great state of Texas and Senator Mike Lee of the beautiful state of Utah for making this historical moment possible. Without their unstinting efforts to create an America where no middle aged white male is left behind in his country club we would not be here.

Like every newly-elected president I, too, would like to extend my hand in true bipartisan spirit and invite all 20 surviving members of the Republican congressional delegation to a small dinner at the White House. And, contrary to their expectations, I will bake the cookies served for dessert.

 Now, onto my agenda. First, I think the current Supreme Court works too hard – too many cases and not enough people to share the load. Therefore, I propose increasing the number of justices from nine to 11. I will nominate two people with outstanding qualifications that the Senate, with its Democratic majority of 85, should have no trouble confirming. Former presidents Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama have graciously agreed to join the Supreme Court and continue its stellar work of upholding the best of the Constitution.

Practising Her Speech

Then, to show that there are no hard feelings for those who hold sharply different views than my own, I will nominate Rush Limbaugh as our new ambassador to Iran and Glenn Beck as ambassador to the newly created nation of Antarctica. I am sure that with their well demonstrated cultural sensitivity and deep interest in other religions and life styles they will represent the best that America has to offer. I want to assure both men that we will work diligently to correct whatever infrastructure deficiencies like the lack of cable TV or the shortage of a decent golf courses that these two outstanding countries may suffer from.

My other foreign policy initiatives include a fast track toward citizenship for all those rushing to America for a better life style. We will indeed deliver a chicken in every pot -- and a Democratic party registration card -- to all those deserving souls. It is also time, my fellow Americans, to end the decades-long embargo of Cuba. The possibilities for trade in valuable items like cigars, rum, and American voting rights with the attached Democratic Party registration cards are simply too valuable to ignore much longer.

In recognition of America’s pre-eminent position in the world I think it is only fair that we allow the opportunity for other carefully qualified non-Americans to participate in our great elections. Every pre-qualified non-American will get one-half of a vote compared to a full vote for all red-blooded full Americans. Of course, those qualifications will include the willingness and ability to sign the aforementioned Democratic Party registration cards.

Now we all know that one of the first jobs for any American president is to create jobs. Therefore, I am proposing that former House Speaker John Boehner be offered the job as under-gardener in the Rose Garden – the White House Rose Garden. It is indeed tragic that his long service in the House was cut short by the upset win of the gay lesbian rock star Total Tatoo. But I want to assure Mr. Boehner this surprising loss will not mean that he has to leave Washington or join the ranks of the unemployed. I am sure that his well known ability to spread fertilizer will serve him well in his new job.

I know you all want to help our great city of Detroit out of its financial problems. I think we can relieve the pressure on cities like Detroit with a large-scale population transfer of those citizens to the wide-open spaces of Utah, parts of Texas, and Nebraska. I am sure that the good citizens of those states will welcome their new neighbours with open arms instead of loaded arms. Vice President Michelle Obama will be working tirelessly on this effort.

Now you might wonder where the money to fund all these new, exciting programs will come from. I think a surtax of about 50% of the profits of hedge funds – except those who contributed more than $1 million to my campaign – will certainly help plug that funding gap. If this doesn’t do the trick another, temporary of course, surtax of 80% on incomes over $2 million should do the trick.

I would also like to take this opportunity to assure my fellow Americans that we have not sold Alaska back to the Russians  to pay our national debt. There were some preliminary discussions, but these quickly fell apart when Russian President Putin demanded that former governor Sarah Palin be included in the deal. I told him there was no way that we could part with such a national treasure. We countered that we would throw in Idaho and a few counties in Texas instead of Sarah Palin. But he stuck to his demands, so no deal was done.

Again, I must offer my thanks to the Tea Party for its great efforts on my behalf. Is this a great country, or what?