Hi! My Name's Ralph. I'll Be Your Guide Tonight.

Even though I live in London I consider myself a loyal American. I pay taxes, I vote, I start tapping my feet when I hear John Philip Sousa, and I still think baseball is a much better game than cricket with its completely unintelligible set of rules. And there is only one kind of ‘football’ -- one that doesn’t involve overpaid delinquents running around in shorts and flopping on the ground like beached seals when the opposition growls at them.

But there is one part of American life that can drive me to drink even warm English beer. I realize American business people think they invented the concept of upward marketing, constantly trying to get you to spend more than you wanted to, or perhaps should. In some cases like the department store Nordstrom this is done with skill and often a little humor. Once I dared to venture alone (my wife was back in London and my daughter was busy elsewhere) into the Nordstrom store in Seattle to buy a couple of shirts and some ties. Simple transaction, right? Not so simple. The attractive sales assistant didn’t say anything at my choice of ties. She didn’t have to. Her somewhat pitying expression said that perhaps, just perhaps, the chartreuse tie might not be the best combination for the blue checked shirt. About an hour later I walked out with better shirts, ties that actually matched the shirts, and a blazer that I had no idea I needed when I went into the store. Other than a sizeable dent in my credit card it was not an unpleasant experience.

But this approach fails utterly in restaurants. At many American restaurants you’re barely seated at your table when an eager waiter person with the glazed expression of a devout missionary steams across the floor in the direction of your table. Fresh from an inspiring pep talk from the manager (Get this mark’s bill up to $300 or your fired!) he launches into his spiel.

Frozen Customers Don't Cause Problems

“Hi, my name’s Ralph. I’ll be your guide tonight. I’m not really a waiter (no kidding), but I’m happy to help guide you through the menu, chef’s specials, our own very special wine selection.” This rapid fire monologue is delivered as he pours freezing water and ice into your glass despite the fact that the air conditioning is working overtime and the outside temperature is -20 centigrade. He hasn’t really noticed that you’re still bundled up in coat and scarf. American restaurant managers must believe you will eat more if you’re semi-congealed.

Various replies to Ralph’s introductory salvo come to mind, but after your wife delivers a quick kick to your shins and a clenched-teeth “Be Nice!” you limit your remarks to assuring Ralph that your reading skills aren’t all that bad and that the menu does not seem to have too many tricky words.

Oblivious to sarcasm Ralph plunges ahead and gives you the pedigree of each item on the menu. “The meat comes from George Jones’s special farm where the animals are given loving care and fed only the most wholesome grains. The lettuces come from Arthur’s farm garden and never, never come in contact with any chemicals.” He shudders a little at the thought of any chemical coming anywhere near Arthur’s lettuces.

You'll Just Love Our Special Tonight
But this is just a warm-up to his description of the chef’s special. He leans over confidentially and informs us that we are so lucky tonight to have the chance to experience the special – which just happens to be the most expensive item on offer – of a fusion (watch out for that word) of slow roasted bison with prairie grass, tacos, chili peppers, celeriac, etc. etc. By the time he’s through you’re not quite sure what’s getting fused, except perhaps your digestive system.

By this time you’re thinking that maybe a tuna fish sandwich on toast would not be bad at all, but Ralph hasn’t finished with you yet. He has to go through the wine list bottle by bottle only to point out that the $250 bottle from some vineyard you have never heard of would go perfectly with the bison and tacos. Even a glass of Coca Cola sounds good after this.

All this brought back fond memories of a lugubrious Viennese waiter called Gotwald. Gotwald comes from a family of waiters (his ancestors probably served Charlemagne his morning mash) and has spent his entire career in one of Vienna’s finest restaurants. Wearing his starched white jacket with a discreet badge of some medieval Viennese guild he greets you with the barest of nods no matter how many times you have been to this restaurant. He places the menu in front of you and would sooner run naked through the streets than interrupt your contemplation with mindless chatter. Questions are answered intelligently, and if the wine choice is not quite right he might offer the slightest grimace without ever – of course – suggesting that your knowledge of wines is painfully limited. He has perfected the art of profiling his customers and knows instinctively what price range of wine to suggest without a hint of condescension.

Meanwhile Ralph is beginning to wind down and is waiting eagerly with poised pencil to take our orders so he can return to his acting career. His interest in our table drops sharply when we limit our order to grilled sole and a simple veal chop accompanied by two glasses of the house red. He quickly overcomes his disappointment when the food comes and he inevitably waits until our mouths are full before asking if we are enjoying ourselves. The service is remarkably quick, however, because the sooner we leave the sooner another ‘mark’ will come in and be offered the unique opportunity to experience the chef’s special.

Israel to the U.S. -- Stop Pushing Mubarak

In all the clamour about demonstrations and possible change of regime in Egypt one of the loudest voices urging the continuation of the Mubarak government is Israel. Other newspapers throughout the region have already adopted the “Hosni who?” attitude while the Israelis are lambasting the United States for greasing the skids under Mubarak’s exit. Their attitude seems to be ‘Better the devil you know than the unknown.’

The comments that Israeli Deputy Minister Ayoub Kara made to former Arkansas governor and likely Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee were typical. Counting on Huckabee’s complete ignorance of the Middle East, Kara pushed every terrorist threat button he could think of to warn about events in Egypt. Many Israelis detest President Obama in the first place, and Kara wasted no time criticizing Obama for ‘turning his back on’ long-time US ally Mubarak. The fact that Obama may be opening up to a much wider Egyptian constituency was conveniently overlooked.

Kara’s comments were surpassed by Aviad Pohoryles in the daily Maariv. In an article headlined “A Bullet In The Back From Uncle Sam” Pohoryles accused Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton of following a ‘naïve’ policy in the Egypt. All of this seems very odd coming from a country that proclaims loudly that it is the only democracy in the Middle East. Is it naïve to think such a country might actually welcome other democracies in the region rather than support autocrats? Or perhaps it doesn’t want to lose the distinction of being the sole democracy?

The Israeli hysteria is based on the possibility that a radical Islamic regime would replace Mubarak who, at the very least, kept the peace with Israel for 30 years. The Israelis must be aware that this very cold peace was unloved by the Egyptian people, and they remember all too well that former Egyptian President Anwar Sadat was assassinated for making that peace. In short, they don’t care who suppresses the Egyptian people as long as someone does, and keeps Egypt from becoming a major problem for Israel. It’s one thing to beat up on the Palestinians, but it’s a problem of another magnitude to deal with a large, potentially hostile army sitting on your border.

The fact that Obama has moved to put the United States on the right side of the seismic shifts occurring in the Middle East is lost on the Israelis who are determined to frighten Americans by turning every Egyptian protestor into an Islamic terrorist bogeyman. But in reality it is far from clear what or who will follow the Mubarak regime.

It is very interesting, as noted by Turkish columnist Ahmed Hakan, that the protestors have not been waving placards covered with sayings of Hasan al-Banna, founder of the Moslem Brotherhood who was assassinated in 1949, or Sayyid Qutb, whose writings inspired many of the radicals who founded Al Qaeda and who was executed by Nasser in 1966. It appears that the speed and scope of the demonstrations have taken the Islamists by surprise, and they have not yet figured out how to play the popular discontent.

It would foolish to underestimate the strength of the well-entrenched Egyptian establishment who, together with the army, may, just may, be able to manage the transition to a more representative government that will not be dominated by the Islamists. Egypt is not the Shah’s Iran, and is unlikely to crack as easily.

One humorous result of the Egyptian unrest is to put Saudi Arabia and Israel on the same side for once. The Saudi royal family has been sending ‘Hang-In-There-Hosni’ messages lest the contagion of democracy spread to Saudi Arabia. The Sudanese strongman Omar al-Bashir has yet to be heard from, but Syrian leader Bashir Assad is trying to pre-empt a Cairo moment in Syria by calling for reforms.

While the Turkish leaders are justifiably proud of the democracy they inherited, they have never shown much enthusiasm for the spread of that democracy to the rest of the Middle East. When the ruling Justice and Development Party is not singing the praises of Sudan and Syria it is busy snuggling up to rich, autocratic regimes in hopes that they will spend some of their petro-wealth in Turkey. The loudest support in Turkey for the Egyptian protestors so far has come from the Islamic groups demonstrating in front of Istanbul’s Fatih Cami in a very conservative section of the city.

Much of the Turkish press is revelling in schadenfreude as it watches its main rival for affection in the Middle East struggle to maintain an even keel. “Too bad, Hosni, sorry to see you in so much trouble.” Tony Soprano could not have said it better. Others are adopting a more balanced tone noting that Turkey could well become a model for those in the region trying to balance the seemingly irreconcilable demands of Islam and secular democracy.

The Israeli  fears are mirrored exactly in Richard Cohen's column in today's Washington Post. He seems to believe that the only choice in Egypt is between the autocratic Mubarak regime and chaos. This type of cataclysmic thinking is not helpful or accurate. Change is coming to Egypt whether Cohen and the United States like it or not. At this point it really is out of the hands of any foreign country to control. The only question is how successfully the United States and others ride this wave.