Boris Johnson Has Really Accomplished Something Quite Unique

People can love the Tories or loathe them. But up until now they were usually considered a ‘safe pair of hands’ for managing the UK government apparatus. They generally knew how the complicated business of government works. Now, Boris Johnson has achieved something truly quite remarkable in his relatively short time as British prime minister.  Governments can be incompetent. They can be hypocritical. They even can be arrogant. But rarely do they manage all three at once. Johnson’s government, in the short span of five months, has achieved this noteworthy goal. Rather like choosing the first three finishers at the Grand National. Extraordinary, really.

            Driven by ideological zeal not seen since the religious wars of the Middle Ages this government prided itself on being the anti-Establishment Elite. They were going to shake up the stodgy – but hitherto relatively efficient – government apparatus and consign all Brexit unbelievers to the Tower – if not worse. A rousing victory over Jeremy Corbyn-led Labour was followed by a lengthy victory lap. All ministers tainted with some residual affection for strong trade ties with the European Union were quickly purged and sent to re-education camps. They were replaced by nonentities whose only qualification seemed to be memorizing the new Tory anthem. This is the NEW Britain. We will stand proudly alone. We are at last free to develop trade relations with whomever we want. We will change Britain!  And on, and on, and on. You could just picture them marching  in-step proudly down Whitehall arms swinging vigorously under banners proclaiming the New Order.

            And then something unexpected happened. Reality. The real world in the silent, deadly form of Corona Virus slipped unseen under the door (as only a foreign virus would do) and began to devastate large portions of the population. While alarm bells were ringing in most other serious countries Britain’s prime minister – not known for hard work at the best of times – saw no need to interrupt his holiday. Infection, what infection? No reason not to attend a large sporting event or take part in Chinese New Year celebrations.

Infection, what infection. Nice timing, Boris.

            Meanwhile people were inconveniently becoming very ill and dying in large numbers. Again, other countries (dare I mention Germany) were taking early precautions and benefiting from a well-stocked public health service. The brutal, harsh, unforgiving light of this real crisis rapidly stripped away the millimetre-thin veneer of competence of this so-called New Elite. Ministers really didn’t have a clue how to respond and received no guidance from the top. Isolate? Don’t isolate? Keep schools and shops open? Close them? Let everyone get sick and pray for the best? Test and trace? What’s that? Whatever you do, don’t for God’s sake tell me Greece of all countries is testing and tracing!

            And this was even before we get to the sad state of preventive equipment or the catastrophe in care homes.  The PPE cupboard was bare and the government had to scramble around the rest of the world looking for simple things like masks and gloves. When a large shipment of masks arrived from Turkey most of them were unusable. The government never checked that they were made by a newly formed company in Turkey that had never, not once, made a mask. Well done, lads. The sheer bumbling incompetence of the New Elite has us longing for the bowler hats, rolled umbrellas, and pin-striped suits of the Old Elite.

            And then the draconian Lockdown. All of us – well, most of us anyway – were consigned to our homes to avoid getting or transmitting Covid-19. Better late than never – even if most European countries had instituted this policy long before. But then the back door – Heathrow Airport – was left wide open. Thousands of international passengers arrived each day and passed straight through without any testing or tracing at all. By this time the Own Goals were mounting up. The other team didn’t even have to try.

PM's favorite adviser, Dominic Cummings. 

            After almost two months of isolation things are starting to loosen up a little. But just as this is happening the truly hapless Home Office minister – unfazed by reality or the impossibility of enforcement -- proudly proclaims that she is firmly slamming the barn door shut after all the horses have left. All international air travellers arriving in Britain after June 8 must be quarantined for two weeks. Such a step might have been useful at the very beginning of the crisis, but now – when European countries seem to have gotten Covid-19 under some control – it is just pointless window dressing.

            So much for Incompetence. Arrogance is running a close second. Admit they made mistakes? You must be joking. Just send the bruised and battered Health Secretary once again before remorseless TV cameras to assert everything is under control. Of course we’ll have the required testing in just two weeks. Well, actually, better make that six weeks. Rather reminds one of the Charge of the Light Brigade. That didn’t work out well, either.

            Meanwhile, Hypocrisy is making a late charge on the outside. Remember, all of us are in this together. Stay Home. Save Lives. Save the NHS. Unless, of course, you’re a cabinet minister or key adviser. The government could have blunted the impact of wandering ministers and advisers getting caught by simply apologizing and saying it wouldn’t happen again. But then it’s only Old Establishment wimps who see the need to apologize for anything to anyone. This is the age of the Dirty Harry (Make My Day) Tory. Apologize? Of course not. Nothing to apologize for. We’re the new Elite. We can do whatever we want. Boris Johnson went so far as to say he was sorry that people were upset at his key aide’s journey. Not sorry about the journey itself, mind you. Just that some people were upset about it.

Who is running the country? Sir Humphrey or Dominic?

            And this is the team that is supposed to lead the UK to the sunny uplands of prosperity and national pride? Makes Yes Minister look very good indeed. Sir Humphrey, where are you when we need you?