Why Would Anyone Really Want This Job?

 

I had a terrible nightmare last night that I was going to be inaugurated president of the United States today.  My wife was terrified when I woke up screaming, ‘No, No, No. I demand a recount! There’s no way I could have won!’

            My breathing gradually returned to normal and I calmed down with the ‘nice cup of tea’ that my wife insists is the cure for everything – probably even Covid-19. ‘There, there. Don’t worry. You’re nowhere near Washington. That nice Mr. Biden is set to take the oath of office.’

Now he will take the oath as President, not VP

            ‘What did he do to deserve this,’ I ask. ‘It’s the worst job in the world. There he was in comfortable retirement - minding his own business, making a few speeches, playing with the grandchildren. Probably asking himself exactly who the hell it was that suggested he run for president in the first place. Now look at the poor guy. He can’t even go out and get a decent hamburger without locking down half of Washington. God forbid he is ever seen happily licking the spoon after an ice cream Sundae with three scoops of vanilla ice cream, hot chocolate, whipped cream and bananas! The media from California to New York and beyond will be yelling about the bad example he is setting and how he should be happy with roasted lettuce leaves and quinoa. If I were him I would quickly make a deal with the White House chef to keep his mouth shut and leave the camera home. The chef could take Air Force 1 wherever he wants. Pretty soon Biden will probably want to  substitute Can’t Get No Satisfaction for Hail To The Chief.

Poor Biden. This is now likely to be forbidden fruit.

            Keep plenty of aspirin handy, Mr. President. The world and its mother keeps yelling at you about what you must do or should do. You absolutely must sign this piece of paper, that piece of paper or the world is going to go to hell. There’s very little in the job description about what you might actually want to do. Oh, and while you're not saving the world from multiple crises you must make time to meet groups like the peach farmers from Georgia – now a very important state with 16 key electoral votes. You can be sure that Mrs. Biden will guarantee that every White House breakfast, lunch and dinner is well stocked with peaches and peanuts. After all, Georgia is known as the Peach State and former President Jimmy Carter was peanut farmer there.

            Instead of tossing soft toys to the grandchildren now you have to deal with a snarling congress whose members threaten to derail everything your administration wants to accomplish unless you throw a few billion dollars into their favorite projects – like the hotly contested Miss Soybean contest. Sadly, it’s probably true that the right outcome for this contest has more vote potential than any public health, education or infrastructure program.

            In many ways the president has the ultimate Home Office. All he has to do is walk downstairs, and on top of that the internet probably works – once his grandchildren set it up. The downside is that everybody wants to crowd into that fairly small Oval Office and take up his time with this problem or that problem when all he really wants to do is put his feet up and catch a good film on Netflix.

At least the office is close to home

            And those are just the domestic aggravations. Most foreign leaders have your phone number on speed dial and seem to forget about time differences when they want to reach you. Or there can be a development in some far-off land that an official at the State Department thinks demands your immediate attention at 3 am. You can just see a weary Biden wiping the sleep from his eyes and telling the hyper-ventilating official, ‘Tell me again where this place is and just how to pronounce the prime minister’s name. What do you want me to do – send the 101^st Airborne or invite him to the White House?’

            If you have ever moved house you know it’s a real pain cleaning up after the former owners have left. There’s always a huge amount of accumulated junk left over that you have to throw away or take to the local charity shop. The White House staff have worked hard these last few days but there is bound to be something left behind. Just what, for example, is Biden going to do with a hair-dying machine set permanently to orange? And what is he going to do with a warehouse full of MAGA hats and pins?

            All things considered it seems like a terrible job with nothing but serious problems that you are supposed to solve. And you don’t even make that much money. Any half-way decent bond trader at Goldman Sachs makes multiples of what you take home every month. The perks are admittedly pretty good, but when do you have time to enjoy them? But someone has got to do it, and we should be grateful that at least this president will spend more time on the job than on Twitter.